[Hype Hype Hooray] I Don’t Care What You Say, Billy Joel Still Sucks

Hype Hype Hooray is a biweekly “critique” of the music scene and the blogosphere that feeds it, told through the lens of Jamie Hale, a journalist who likes music about as much as he likes scotch and a firm leather chair. Please enjoy with a grain of salt.

Listen, man, I’m a real easy-going kind of guy. Whatever you do in your own time is your own choice, but let’s get one thing clear: Do not–DO NOT–put on any Billy fucking Joel.

I know you and your friends LOVE The Piano Man, and you’re probably all “Heyyyyy! Don’t hate Billy just ‘cuz he’s talented, bro! You’re prolly just JEALOUS.” I only have two words for you, friend: uh-uh. I am not now, nor could I ever be jealous of that angel-voiced, smirk-faced asshat of a man. At the end of the day, I have exactly one opinion on the matter, three words I will take to my grave: Billy. Joel. Sucks.

BOOM. There. I said it. What. What are you gonna do about it? Cry heavy tears into your Yuengling to “She’s Always a Woman”? I bet that flute really twists your pain good, doesn’t it? I bet Billy’s salt-n-pepper goatee wrings it out, then whispers sweet beard nothings into your ear to make it all better. I bet you sniff up your snotty sobs and say “Hey thanks, Billy, you’re a real class act.” Then you get the sax and he takes the keys and the two of you gaze into each other’s eyes, harmonizing to “Just the Way You Are” for a packed house in Camden, New Jersey.

I don’t mean to be a dick about this whole thing, but I’m not going to sit back and pretend to be on the bandwagon. I won’t be one of those poor souls who grins through endless ballad hell, counting every second until another awful song fades away, only to linger for a moment before launching into another six minutes of suffering. I will not be a slave to the musical dregs of society! I will not sit down and take it anymore!

What’s that you say? “Wehhhhh, you can’t just hate on The Piano Man without giving a good reason at least! Myehhhh!” You know what? You’re absolutely right. What kind of horrible critic would I be if I didn’t offer an obnoxiously-detailed critique of the man? Well here you go, you bunch of freaks, here is why I REALLY hate Billy Joel.

1. That Goddam Look in His Eye

So what’s the deal with Billy Joel’s eyes anyway? What are those, frog’s eyes? Where is he looking with those bulbous things? Over at wilted lily pads slowly sinking into a grey pond? Or into painful memories of getting his ass kicked under the middle school bleachers?

I’m sorry, I’m not being totally fair to the man. He is, I admit, a very talented singer/songwriter/piano/harmonica-on-his-face-for-some-ungodly-reason player OK YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SORRY BUT I CAN’T DO THIS.

*                    *                    *

Excuse me.The idea behind this column was to listen to Billy Joel and think about how much I hate listening to Billy Joel, writing down the end results. I don’t know why I ever thought this was a winning idea. Predictably, I only made it until the third (or was it the fourth? the fifth?) verse of “She’s Always A Woman,” before yanking my iPod from the speaker and hurling it into a nearby Japanese Peace Lily.

Unfortunately, it seems, I can’t stomach enough of The Piano Man to even write about how much I can’t stomach The Piano Man. I’ll go through a lot of pain for the sake of this column, but this is asking too much. If I have to hear so much as one bar of “The Entertainer” or “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” I will break something. I mean it. Glass. will. SHATTER, my friend.

So to preserve my sense of dignity (and to save my glassware from unnecessary destruction), I will not be airing my opinions on a certain piano playing superstar after all. That bottle is best left corked. Please accept this following consolation video of Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”

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  • Theo

    Shut up.
    Your whiny kvetching is much worse than any music I’ve ever listened to.
    Shut up.

    [Reply]