Knox Road Live Blogs the Grammys (With a One-Hour Delay)!

The Grammys are back, you guys! While I usually wait until the awards are over to write a snarky commentary, I’ve decided to give it to you straight, as the action happens. Some Hype Hype Hooray-regulars might note that I don’t have cable, but this year I found a liiiittle loophole (my girlfriend has to work late and there’s a TV at her office). You can send me some of your commentary or hatred over on Twitter. I’ll be here all night, so get ready for some gramophone action! [NOTE: Apparently in the mountain time zone, the Grammys is broadcast an hour behind everybody else. You know, because who in mountain time watches the Grammys? I DO.]

Well that’s it! If you’ve been following along in Mountain time, that all made sense! If not, this seemed a little out-of-touch. Either way, this is been great from my end. My respect wheel for the Grammys gained another spoke with some great performances and some proper nods to artists who deserved the awards. That’s not to say there aren’t some issues here.

The whole “rock” category just needs to change or be trashed or something. If the Foo Fighters can sweep the entire thing (winning not just Best Rock Performance but also Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance), and the calendar says the year is 2012, and their album wasn’t the best thing to happen to rock music ever, then something is very, very wrong. Meanwhile, the “alternative” category (which arguably has so much more variety and so many more great artists) is relegated to a single award.

I don’t want to sound like one of those indie snobs, but when you have one “genre” that is out-of-date and bland, and another that is thriving and full of life, why promote the former far over the latter? Meanwhile, it looks like country is the place to be. Those people all seem to be super talented and respectful! Everybody can take their Foo Fighters and Nicki Minaj and Coldplay and listen to those albums to death. In the meantime, I’m going to go learn more about The Civil Wars. Love those guys!

OH boy. Well that turned into a classic Grammys move. The ol’ too-many-guitars-rock-and-roll-all-stars-megajam. Or, as we like to call it in the music blog business, a “clusterfuck.”

It looks like we’re ending the night with a little performance by Sir “OG” Paul McCartney, which is great, I suppose! But how much does he look like Dana Carvey doing an impression of him? He’s doing some classics, which is really great, so let’s hope this ends the Grammys back on a good note!

And Album of the Year goes to Adele, of course. Did you really think any of those other nominees would win? It was practically stacked in her favor! Foo Fighters? Bruno Mars? Are you kidding? It’s nice to see some real quality talent rewarded by an industry that too often rewards some shallow and profit-driven music. And awwww wasn’t she adorable accepting that Grammy? Let’s all give Adele a big hug and whisper “you did it” into her ear with a smile. But not in a weird way, ok?

And Record of the Year goes to Adele, which is still not a surprise. Can this girl do no wrong? “This is ridiculous!” she said, but NO, Adele. It’s NOT ridiculous, you deserved it! OWN IT.

What did we just watch? Was it music? Was it performance? Was it good? Who knows! Let’s get to Record of the Year already!

Callllm down Nicki Minaj. You can’t be Lady Gaga and a diva and that unfunny drunk girl on the campus bus all in one. Yet, by the looks of the production value of your performance, the industry treats you like you are just that. Did anybody listen to her album? It wasn’t that good. I’m sorry, it just wasn’t! You shouldn’t be able to ride a good verse on a Kanye song all the way to the bank, but Nicki appears to be doing just that.

Coolest part of this “dance party” thing is deadmau5’s helmet head. It’s a real scene-stealer if I ever saw one. But can we end it on a cool note, please? Let’s not go introducing any other unnecessary artists, ok?

And no more Foo Fighters either! Come on, Grammys, you were just starting to get good!

WE DON’T NEED ANY MORE CHRIS BROWN. I get it. You have David Guetta and deadmau5, a couple DJs, but do we need Chris Brown involved at any level?

Oh man, how cool was Jennifer Hudson doing the Whitney Houston tribute? It wasn’t Whitney, but Jennifer was probably the best choice. And given like, A DAY, to prepare, I think it’s safe to say she did a great job! There are some genuinely nice moments at this year’s Grammys!

Don’t know what’s happening here. Grammys promoting the Grammys and all the nice things about the Grammys or something. The people who died over the last year? I got distracted in a bowl of hummus.

And Best New Artist goes to Bon Iver! You know, I read an article on NPR the other day about how the Best New Artist nominees aren’t really “new” per se, and that goes for Bon Iver especially. That came from some guy who runs the show! They don’t even try to hide this stuff. But Bon Iver apologizing to the other nominees? Classic. Thanking the voters (who actually gave him the award) and not the fans (who didn’t do anything to get him that award, really)? Also classic. Can’t hate that.

No, Tony Bennett is not the “best new artist of all time.” He is very good, but that’s not a thing anyone can ever be. Sorry if I’m being too curmudgeony over here.

Another tribute! This time it’s to country music legend Glen Campbell, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s last year. The Band Perry (no, not Katy Perry) did a fine job, as did Blake Shelton and Glen Campbell. Are country musicians just more talented than pop and rock musicians? That seems to be the case, at least among this batch of performances. Do they just care more? Is it just something with the genre? Do we all need to start listening to country??

Not bad! I mean, it wasn’t the best I’ve ever heard her, but it was certainly very good! Plus, she looked so happy to just be there singing! She wasn’t all weird like Taylor Swift, she knows how good she is. Love that girl!

OK, It’s time for Adele’s BIG performance, everybody! This BETTER be good. No pressure, Adele.

Best Country Album goes to Lady Antebellum. I just learned what genre Lady Antebellum does! I also learned that I don’t know anything about country music. I had a boss once who was REALLY into country music. He tried to get me into it. That conversation lasted less than a minute.

Dude, I hate Katy Perry. When the lights went down, I was REALLY hoping there was some kind of technical difficulty that was going to stop her performance. Is that too mean? God, I don’t like her music. I’m pretty sure her guitar player was a model faking it.

Neil Patrick Harris (for some reason) presented the Song of the Year award to Adele for “Rolling in the Deep,” much to nobody’s surprise. Let’s be honest, she deserved it! (That’s another drink, folks.)

OK, TAYLOR SWIFT. I get that you’re just a country girl who never expected to be such a huge star blah blah. But after singing for national TV audiences and sold-out arenas all over the world for several years, you don’t need to keep up the “Gosh, thanks y’all, I’m so humbled and surprised” look after the audience applauds your performance.

You know what, I liked The Civil Wars! Even despite that woman’s weird hand motions! They do a lot with just vocals and guitar! But can we get more than 60 seconds? Maybe replace the Chris Brown performance with a full song of theirs? Break into the Taylor Swift set a little? I think this is why I don’t run award shows.

And in retrospect I should have made more drinking game rules based on performances. I forgot how few awards are actually given out. It’s been a solid five or six years since I’ve seen the Grammys, so leave me alone!

Ooooo a mention of the loss of Gil Scott-Heron is nice to see! However, seeing the Best R&B Album go to Chris Brown is pretty weird, especially considering how much everybody seems to hate that guy. I don’t know if he musically deserves it (I haven’t heard it), but he probably doesn’t deserve it as a human being? Probably?

Sir “OG” Paul McCartney is doing a pretty good job, but the performance could use a little more Skrillex, probably. (Can somebody please tell me who/what Skrillex is? This is all very confusing.)

Bruno Mars? Twilight? Target? What’s NOT to like??

Well I guess the only people who can do a tribute to the Beach Boys are stiff, awkward, white guys. Maroon 5? Foster the People? Nobody else? Even the actual Beach Boys are doing a shitty tribute to the Beach Boys! Sometimes, you’re just too old to sing, ya know? I love that group as much as the next guy, but they need to know when to call it quits. I’m taking a drink out of sadness.

HAHAHAHAHA “Here to kick off our celebration of the Beach Boys, Maroon 5!” Oh, man, you guys, that is a line straight out of my comedy nightmares.

“Save it for the field, it’s time to rock.” Best Rock Performance goes to the Foo Fighters (ugh)! But the real takeaway is the list of nominees for that award. Apparently “rock” just means a band of four to five white dudes who play guitars and drums.  If that’s the case, the Foo Fighters fit the bill!

Seeing that promo of all the performances to come is really making me rethink live blogging the Grammys. This is going to be a rough couple of hours. Maybe Chipotle should just run the show from now on. Those people know how to pull at the ol’ heartstrings! (Plus Willie Nelson’s version of Coldplay’s “The Scientist” is SO much better.)

Oh, I see. They’re fitting in by awkwardly transitioning between the two. Well that was a great idea, Grammys. Really breaking down barriers with this one.

Soooo how exactly is Coldplay going to fit into this weird Rihanna performance?

“When you step into the Grammy room, you gotta check your indie cred at the door!” –Jack Black introducing the Foo Fighters. Sounds about right. According to Wikipedia, Dave Grohl is 43. It’s been seven years since “Big Me” and, thanks to all the 30-something CD buyers out there, they’re at the height of their career! But, as their performance demonstrates, they have achieved success by writing bland rock songs that rely on chanted verses and boring-hook-centric choruses. But according to the Grammys they’re the best rock band out there this year! Still sounds about right.

“No! Why would you get rid of Elton John king??” –Brittany, my girlfriend, just now, referring to the Pespi ad. She makes a good point, really.

We got a taste of some good ol’ American music with Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson’s duet (the crowd didn’t even wait until the chorus to throw those waving hands up). My only regret is that I’m not listening to this while driving my pickup through the dusty hills of the American West! I don’t even care that Aldean’s mic went off for a few seconds, they touched my heart in a special cowboy way.

Jay Z and Kanye win one (drink one for the Pitchfork rule)! The Best Rap Performance award hasn’t been given out since 1990, when the then-two-year-old category was split into Best Rap Solo Performance and Best Rap Performance by a Duo or Group. Who won back then? It was DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince in 1989 and Young MC in 1990. How far we’ve come.

Chris Brown’s performance is immediately bad. I’m going to take this time to run some hot water over the stuck lid of my bottle of bourbon.

Adele takes home the Solo Pop Performance! Well-deserved! But let’s take a moment to recognize the return of the pompadour, shall we?

I don’t always listen to Bonnie Raitt or Alecia Keys, but that Etta James tribute was incredible. THIS IS WHAT THE GRAMMYS IS ALL ABOUT, PEOPLE. (If you’re following our drinking game, take a drink for that collaboration).

“They only got one carrot and they all gotta share.” That quote, coupled with a few well-timed hip thrusts, sums up Bruno Mars’ very tight, but ultimately childish performance. I mean, dude can DANCE, but he’s a little more Muhammad Ali than James Brown, and this is the GRAMMYS people. However, he does get points for “Get off your rich asses.”

“Oh, that’s what Bruno Mars looks like?” –Me, just now.

I think Lady Gaga’s wizard scepter just upstaged the prayer for Whitney Houston. Also, I think that prayer was really great and all, but does anybody else feel a little uncomfortable with a prayer at the top of an award show? Just me?

Dude. Bruce is about to pop a head vein. I guess it’s cool, as long as it’s for America. Meanwhile, Paul McCartney gives a continuous golf clap. And the Brits don’t know why everybody likes out stuff better…

And a toast to Whitney Houston at the top of the show. I never liked your music, but girl, you could sing. A Canadian whiskey to you, Whitney.

Ok folks, It’s finally time for the Grammys to begin in the Mountain time zone. I’m starting to think this is why Idaho is about a decade behind. Slowest internet in the country and the Grammys on a one-hour delay.

Psssh forget Adele’s comeback performance on the Grammys, I got it on 60 Minutes, suckers!

Man, this cancer doctor from Duke is really corrupt. Apparently he changed data to fit his model and support his theory. Typical Duke, am I right, University of Maryland people?

The show must go on! I’m still going to bring you the live blogging, but it’s going to have a one-hour delay is all. So when Kanye flips off Madonna while making out with Adele (or whatever), check back in an hour later to see what I have to say about it! Meanwhile, I might have some things to say about this episode of 60 Minutes!

HOLD THE PHONE. We’ve got a problem, everybody. Since nobody likes Mountain Time, and I currently live in Mountain Time, we have 60 Minutes right now instead of the Grammys. It looks like we don’t get the show until 7! We’re trying to figure it all out. Hang tight.

You guys! This donkey on the local news is a singing donkey! Grammys 2013!

Don’t know what’s happening on the show yet, my girlfriend wants to see who wins this episode of Chopped.

I’m having tomatoes, eggplant and chickpeas over cous cous for my Grammys dinner! It’s ok to be jealous. #GrammysDinner

Let’s take a second to go over some of the other winners of the pre-show Grammys. Amy Winehouse won a posthumous award for her duet with Tony Bennett! It’s just another reminder of the potential she had ( :( ). Skrillex won both electronica/dance awards and I still have no idea who that is, but Robyn was totally robbed or something. The Foo Fighters cleaned up the rock category, because the Black Keys weren’t in the running this year. Kanye‘s having a great night already, with three awards! Might as well just go party, ‘Ye. Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album, love that guy!

So with the pre-show awards already given out, it looks like the drinking game rules are already in effect! Bon Iver won Best Alternative Album, Adele won Best Pop Vocal Album,  and Kanye won Best Rap Album! That’s three drinks, you drunken bastards.

I hastily put together a little drinking game for those who don’t like to remember the Grammys. This isn’t some crazy get-drunk bonanza, it’s just a little something to ease the pain. The rules:

  1. Let’s go ahead and have a toast to Whitney Houston at the top of the show. No need to make her death into a game, you guys.
  2. Drink every time Adele wins an award. This could be a lot.
  3. Drink every time a Pitchfork “Best New Album” or “Best New Track” wins an award. (For those of you who didn’t weirdly look this up, it’s Bon Iver’s Bon Iver, Kanye’s Dark Twisted etc. and his stuff with Jay Z, Fleet Foxes’ Helplessness Blues, Cut Copy’s Zonoscope and anything by Robyn).
  4. Drink every time you hear “Moves Like Jagger,” to dull the pain.
  5. Drink every time a veteran musician performs with a young musician.
  6. Drink every time you see Kanye West wearing sunglasses inside. Kanye didn’t show up!
  7. Drink whenever something you like or hate wins, to either celebrate or drown your sadness.

1 comment to Knox Road Live Blogs the Grammys (With a One-Hour Delay)!

  • Lydia

    If by “it’s been seven years since ‘Big Me’,” you mean “almost seventeen,” then that’s an accurate statement.
    <3 always,
    Lydia, your jerk copy editor friend

    P.S. Chris Brown deserves every bit of hatred that humanity can spare.