Every [two weeks?] Jamie Hale takes a long, hard look at the music industry and the blog scene that feeds it. Here, he releases those findings and makes snarky, sarcastic remarks. Admittedly, both Jamie and Knox Road are a part of this scene. So sue us.
“I HATE Christmas,” my coworker said last week. “Really?” I replied. “Well do you at least like the music?” She turned to me with a cold grimace on her face, more reminiscent of the Grinch than I cared to mention. “I ESPECIALLY hate the music,” she snarled.
To me, this hatred of Christmas music is some kind of heresy. I spent my childhood decorating the tree to the sounds of “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Feliz Navidad.” Every track off Bing Crosby’s classic Christmas record is burned into my brain forever. So imagine my shock when people, like my especially Scroogey coworker, express such disdain for the music. But, like everything else in my life, I’m driven not to ask “how” but rather “why?”
Why exactly do people hate Christmas music with every ounce of their soul? You see it every year. This year, as I popped on a (surprisingly annoying) Christmas Pandora station, I came across a running tournament on predominantly-female-oriented snark blog Jezebel. It wasn’t a tournament to decide the best Christmas song ever (which would have been a tough showdown), it was a tournament to decide the WORST Christmas song ever.
Both “Jingle Bell Rock” and “Feliz Navidad” were in the running.
After my initial gut reaction to instantly begin voting for the true atrocities, in an attempt to save my favorites from winning the title, I got back to that nagging question. Just what the hell did Jezebel, and the rest of these Grinches, have against Christmas music?
Putting on my social analyst hat (which happens to look like a santa hat), I dug into the question. After several days of intense analysis (it’s all very scientific), I came up with the following reasons that could explain this trend of Christmas music hatred:
- Not Christian, Don’t Like Christians Pushing Their Music
I was raised in the Episcopal church which, if you don’t know, is like Catholicism minus the over-the-top charades and confessional thing and money and child abuse. As a result, I grew up with songs like “Silent Night” and “Away in a Manger” and thought nothing of them. They were just regular songs about things I may or may not have paid attention to on Sunday. Non-Christians, I would imagine, might be weirded out hearing all these Christian anthems blasted in every mall in the country. Christians are already thought of as kind of pushy, and this offense could very well turn people off of the music all together.
- Not Christian, Jealous Christians Get All of December to Themselves
This is pretty similar to the previous reasoning, with an added tinge of jealousy. There aren’t really any Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Solstice sales in December, and your local mall isn’t usually blasting “The Hanukkah Song” by Adam Sandler. If you’re not in The Christian Club, I can imagine this is pretty infuriating. Is this the real reason everybody gets trashed at the end of the month?? I’m going to conclude that it is.
- Hate the Overt Happiness
Most Christmas songs are all about being good and being happy and having an awesome time with everybody. Realists, or as I sometimes call them, “negative assholes,” tend to hate this fake brand of happiness that people blindly get on board with. Admittedly, this super-happy tone can get VERY annoying VERY quickly. I would gladly destroy every Christmas song sung by a child or an adult posing as a child. I’m looking at you “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.”
- The Music Really is Terrible
I’m not ruling out the possibility that all Christmas music is actually awful, and Christians only like it for the tradition it holds and the memories it brings back. Every time I hear “Jingle Bell Rock” I don’t think about how well-crafted or genius the song is, I only think about decorating the tree with my mom. It could just be that the whole lot of the music is actually the worst ever made, and every “Grinch” or “Scrooge” out there is just smart enough to realize it. Wouldn’t that be a bummer.
Regardless of the reason, I’d like to say that the Christmas music haters out there just kind of need to shut the hell up about it. I get it, you hate the music that many people adore. Yup, you have to hear this music for an entire month just because millions of people love it unconditionally. Welcome to life. I guess for me it would be like hearing Tool songs everywhere I went for the entire month of May. That’s a horrible existence but you can’t ever change Tool fans’ minds. EVER.
At the end of Jezebel’s contest, the winning Worst Christmas Song Ever was “The Christmas Shoes,” a song everybody can agree is a horrible piece of garbage. Thank god.