[Hype Hype Hooray] The Dumb New Pitchfork Movie Will Prove Bloggers Are Gods

Every [two weeks?] Jamie Hale takes a long, hard look at the music industry and the blog scene that feeds it. Here, he releases those findings and makes snarky, sarcastic remarks. Admittedly, both Jamie and Knox Road are a part of this scene. So sue us.

I love movies, no lie! I love art house flicks like Jodorowsky’s El Topo and I love madcap comedies like Pineapple Express. I even watched that awful movie Gamer the other week (I thought Michael C. Hall would save it!). So when I saw news that the Duplass brothers, creators of films like The Puffy Chair, Baghead and, most recently, Cyrus, were working on a new project, I was interested! When I found out that project is called Pitchfork, I was confused.

Well surely, despite their indie status, the movie can’t be about internet music giant Pitchfork, purveyor of indie knowledge and god of all music blogs, can it? From the LA Times:

“…it’s a dramatic thriller about the middle-aged mother of an indie rocker who, after her son is killed in a car accident, seeks vengeance on an online blogger who had peddled snark about her son (on the music site Pitchfork, hence one of the title’s entendres). Things take a turn, though, when she finds out the snarker is just a teenager.”

YIKES. A few of points here: First of all, since when do we music bloggers have the power to drive a mother to homicide?? Is this a thing? Am I some kind of Jim-Carrey-in-Bruce-Almighty-esque god? If so, I have some priorities above peddling snark. Like maybe feeding the hungry or at very least getting myself a new phone. Seriously, this thing is falling apart in my hands.

I’m also not sure that anyone takes what music bloggers say that seriously. I could be wrong on this, but when I was called a “shallow fucking retard” for my opinions, I was under the impression the artist was just blowing off steam, not getting all suicidal (although if somebody knows Thomas Wincek and would like to correct this, please do). Music blogging is something we do for fun (most of us) and playing music is what musicians do for fun. Although those two fun activities are sometimes at odds, if we can’t just brush off criticism what kind of human beings have we become?

That said, Pitchfork is of course a very influential website that has been known to make or break careers of musicians, and getting bad marks from them when you’re a struggling artist can be, I’m sure, very detrimental. I suppose this idea that a young indie musician who receives snark from a Pitchfork writer who then gets upset, dies in a horrible (suicidal?) accident, causing his mother to seek vengeance upon the original snark writer is sort of within reason (even though it is very very very unlikely).

However, using this as the plot for a movie is just dumb. Very dumb. Like, eating those gross-flavored Harry Potter-themed jelly beans dumb (“Earwax? Sure!” WHY). Not only is this scenario about as compelling as Death Sentence or even Swimfan, but since when do teenagers write for Pitchfork? I’m assuming that when they say “teenager” they don’t mean “I’m 19 and technically still a teenager” but rather “I’m 16 and still having wet dreams.” If Pitchfork actually employs teenagers, who, by the way, have very little cultural experience on which to base valid, professional music criticism, then maybe this mother shouldn’t be taking what they say too seriously, hmmm? I can only hope the Duplass brothers don’t kill themselves based on my critique, causing their mother to launch a vengeful, homicidal campaign. Because even the Lifetime movie they would make about it would be stupid.

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