The Grammys: Why bother trying anymore?

Well that happened. Music’s biggest night nightmare of the year played out just like we all knew it would: unpredictably and hilariously miserable. Seriously, so many LOLs! Remember that time Dave Matthews Band was old and boring? And that other time Justin Bieber was too busy trying to be a “cool black guy” to speak right? HAHAHA ohhhhh you guys! Here are some highlights and lowlights (what am I a HAIR SALON here? LOLOL!! I could write the show with this talent!).

  • Zac Brown Band wins Best New Artist and the world lets out a collective “Who?”
  • Kings Of Leon win Record of the Year. To be fair, I never listened to it because I know them as that mediocre band not really worth listening to. WHO IS IN THE WRONG HERE?
  • Taylor Swift, Beyonce and Lady Gaga all win a bunch of awards because they are all pretty talented.
  • Neko Case doesn’t win Best Recording Package because the old people need their shiny trophies.
  • Lady Gaga performs with Elton John and it’s good!
  • Lil’ Wayne, Eminem and Drake perform and it’s pretty silent because of either censors or CBS’s shoddy coverage. You be the judge!
  • Two of Michael Jackson’s kids accept a Lifetime Achievement Award on his behalf and it’s really moving and sad and junk. That guy was INSANE but talented too, ya know?
  • Phoenix wins Best Alternative Album. Neat!
  • Green Day wins Best Rock Album for the atrocious 21st Century Breakdown because the new Good Charlotte album isn’t out until later this year.
  • I decided to start playing a lifelong drinking game in which I take three shots every time I hear Black Eyed Peas’ “I Got A Feeling” at any wedding, Bar Mitzvah or charity fundraiser. I’m prepared to lead a very miserable and drunken life.

But we always have next year to look forward to, right? Maybe the Grammys will go the way of the Academy Awards and make 10 nominations for Best Album. That way, we can fit in Lil’ Wayne, Justin Bieber, Aaron Carter, Baha Men and Kriss Kross. I’m sure all their comeback albums will win Grammys Not Awful Awards Of Musical Relevancy.

5 comments to The Grammys: Why bother trying anymore?

  • Jen

    The one thing I learned from this piece was that the “Baha” in Baha Men doesn’t include a silent “j”. It’s just Baha, like “bahahahahaha.”

  • Cara

    Zach Brown Band as in WHO? You’re an idiot…anyone not stuck up an Alternative Music’s butt knows who they are.

    Jamie Reply:

    Now, now. Let’s not get all up in arms here. I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard of Zac Brown Band (note the spelling, fyi). You can’t come to an indie music blog and expect a lot of knowledge about a country band.

    I’d also like to point out that I could easily say “anyone not stuck up Country music’s butt knows who Animal Collective is” or “anyone not stuck up mainstream pop’s butt knows who Steve Earle is” or “anyone not stuck up underground hip-hop’s butt knows who Son Volt is.”

    But to be so upset that I, and a lot of other people, don’t know this band you apparently know just comes off as weird and arrogant.

  • “Green Day wins Best Rock Album for the atrocious 21st Century Breakdown because the new Good Charlotte album isn’t out until later this year.”

    I laughed.

  • The Jackson kids where something scary to look at, I thought they got beat up by granpa Jackson before the show.
    Green Day? No words… Especially againt AC fucking DC…
    Black Eyes P-brains sounded and looked like a bunch of retarded kids dressed like a bad 80s joke. “IMMA”… Imma wanna shove each of their microphones up their asses for making our already musically uneducated masses even dumber.